073 How to set personal boundaries

We all have boundaries, whether we know it or not. Rather than waiting for someone to cross a line with you, why not figure out what they are?

This week’s Inspire Me quote:

“Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.”—Unknown

Setting boundaries are important to:

• Protect God’s calling on your life.
• Protect your vitality.
• Promote healthy relationships.
• Promote others vitality.

A boundary is a “bright line” by which you will protect your interests. It’s exercising self-care, that allows you to care for others. Flight attendants advise, “Put on your own mask before assisting others.” Boundaries help us say ‘no’ to the things that are not helpful for us. They are especially important when there is abuse or excessive expectation from others. Excessive expectation has the following characteristics:

• They are persistent; never satisfied.
• They are accelerated; getting worse over time.
• They are unrewarded.

Key steps to setting boundaries include:

1. Identify what is lost or might be lost. What are you surrendering that you do really want to keep?
2. Identify if it is persistent. This is key. A boundary does not need to be created for incidentals.
3. Identify what change you can control and enforce (access to time, availability, etc.).
4. Write down what you think the other’s objective is? How does that compare to your own?
5. What are win/win options? Develop alternative options.
6. Negotiate with the boundary crosser. Compare objectives. What does each want? Identify where objectives may not be in alignment and clearly communicate what behavior crosses the line and how you will respond. Suggest possible alternative options.

This week’s Challenge Me:

Think about situations where you boundaries might help you better manage your self-care and of those relationships most important to you. Put them in place.

Resources mentioned or related to this podcast that may be helpful to you:

• How to grow your emotional intelligence, Episode 63 discusses the “when you/I feel” formula described in this episode.