119 How to have great expectations of ourselves

In our last episode, we talked about having great expectations of others. Now we turn the tables on ourselves. We talk about self-expectations in this episode of Reinventure Me.

This week’s Inspire Me quote is from Psalm 5:3:

“In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.“

In this episode, Leary and Armin talk about self-expectation, how it affects us, and how to know if we have great self-expectations. They suggest that the best way to determine the health of our self-expectations is to ask the following core questions:

1. What things didn’t go as I had planned or hoped? What was I able to control? Am I able to look at this as a learner?
2. Does this failure cause me to increase my efforts to make up lost ground? Does the goal remain desirable independent of my self-identity or past performance?
3. How do I honestly judge my ability to achieve the goals I set for myself? What’s my internal dialogue like when I create a goal? What do I say to myself when I don’t achieve it?

The key question? What’s the right level of self-expectation to have? Leary and Armin offer that it’s just enough expectation to give us slightly more losses than wins. Too many losses and we don’t trust ourselves; too few and we become complacent or arrogant—and less grateful. Slightly more losses than wins keeps us humble and also motivated.

Quotes from the show:

• “There’s no one in your life [who] breaks more of your expectations than you. So, on the scale, you should probably put your trust in others before yourself.” —Armin
• “If we’re not careful with that ANT—that Automatic, Negative Thought—it’s gonna eat away at the wood fabric of our own building, as well, to use that metaphor, and will leave us unhappy.” —Leary
• “Expectations are related to control or trust.” —Leary
• “It’s the difference between saying ‘I’m no good at this’ vs. ‘I’m learning to get better at this.'” —Leary
• “What ends up happening, when we set those expectations for ourselves, is that emotions get in the way—we color our view of ourselves based on our perceptions and our emotions about what has happened to us in the past.” —Leary
• “If you want to achieve a goal, you have to actually write a plan—because when you write a plan it gets it out of this emotional area [so] you can see there’s a way of actually doing it.” —Leary
• “The only day or time you become a failure is when you accept that you are [one].” —Armin
• “The very best definition of success is: when those who know you the best respect you the most.” —Leary

This week’s Challenge Me:

Score yourself on a scale from 1-10: How happy are you with yourself? Then, consider: what would it take to be one point more satisfied?

Comments? Questions? Stories of how you’ve pursued having great self-expectations? Share them in the comments section below.

Resources mentioned in or related to this podcast episode:

• Episode 114, “How to regain trust.”
• Episode 118, “How to have great expectations of others.”
• Carol Dweck’s book, Mindset.
• Leary Gates’ review of Mindset.
• Episode 113, “How to grow your abundance mindset.”
• Episode 4, “How your mindset affects your next great beginning.”
• Episode 112, “Can drive and contentment coexist?“